


Memories

by hongbab



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9779150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hongbab/pseuds/hongbab
Summary: The thought only flashed through Hakyeon’s mind, but it was enough to make him blush: if Hongbin had really been a girl, he might have kissed him right then and there, and not because he felt adventurous, but because— because Hongbin was Hongbin and Hakyeon loved him to bits.





	1. I - Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: self-harm

The picture he’s holding was taken seven years ago, on a playground near his parents’ house.

Hakyeon remembers the ruckus they made about whose phone to use and how to balance it on the swing while the four of them sat on the bench: Jaehwan with his arm around Wonshik's shoulder, grinning boldly like he always did; Wonshik smiling shyly, quite unlike him unless Jaehwan was around; and Hakyeon with his head resting on Hongbin's shoulder, their hands clasped together and Hongbin's dimples digging into his cheeks.

Seven years ago, Hakyeon felt the happiest in his life.


	2. II

When Hakyeon was appointed class president, he thought his life would consist only of constant admiration from others.

At the age of ten, with his uniform crisp and spotless, his badge shining brightly on his jacket, he stood by the front gate expectantly, hands clasped together behind his back, chest puffed out. He watched cars and parents come and go, classmates greeting him as they made their way inside still half-asleep, but all of them had a kind smile for him, the mirror image of his own expression.

It was getting quite late, and Hakyeon checked his watch (one he got for his birthday from his mother after he’d asked for it instead of a toy robot) every minute, but the new kid didn’t want to show up. He turned around to head to class a few minutes before the bell would ring, disappointed, even though the whole thing wasn’t his fault. Still, Hakyeon thought, shuffling back towards the building, it was a failure of some sorts—he couldn’t complete his very first task as class president and it was all because of some stupid newbie.

Someone bumped into him with their shoulder from behind.

“Hey!” Hakyeon yelled angrily and a small kid in front of him stopped, looking back at him, making Hakyeon stand there in awe.

The boy seemed to be a few inches shorter than him, but he compensated for that in looks. He was very pretty: big, round eyes, a tiny nose and curly dark brown hair framing his oval face. All Hakyeon could think of was that he looked like a girl, and if he hadn’t been wearing the boys’ uniform, Hakyeon would have believed him to be one because of all his pleasant facial features.

“What?” the boy asked, furrowing his brow.

“You bumped into me,” Hakyeon replied. “You should apologize.”

The boy snorted and turned around, walking towards the entrance. Hakyeon was flabbergasted for a moment, but then he took a deep breath and shouted, “You’re Lee Hongbin, right?”

The boy stopped again, narrowing his eyes.

“How do you know?” he asked.

“I’m your class president,” Hakyeon replied, straightening up a little more. “I need to take care of you this week. You were supposed to be here since…” Hakyeon checked his watch, “…fifteen minutes earlier.”

Hongbin shrugged.

Hakyeon let out an irritated sigh and hurried to the newcomer. “Let’s go to Arts class.”

Hongbin, however, didn’t move, only glared at Hakyeon harder.

“We need to go,” Hakyeon said.

“I don’t want to go with you.”

“But I _need_ to take care of you!” Hakyeon insisted.

“You’re not my mum,” Hongbin replied, his frown becoming deeper by the second.

“But Mrs Choi told me I need to be with you at school so you can get used to it,” Hakyeon answered.

“I’m not going with you,” Hongbin said, folding his arms in front of his chest.

“I’m telling Mrs Choi,” Hakyeon threatened and when Hongbin shrugged again, he added, “you’re going to lose a lot of points and get detention.”

"I don't care," Hongbin said and passed Hakyeon, walking into the school building when the bell rang.

"Well, I do!" Hakyeon hissed as they entered the empty hallway. "I don't want to have points taken from me because of you."

"I don't care what you want," Hongbin mumbled, seemingly tired of the conversation. "Just leave me alone."

"Fine," Hakyeon said finally. "Go wherever you want."

Hongbin nodded, and Hakyeon started jogging towards his classroom, miffed, wronged and hurt.

 

 

When he next saw Hongbin, it was lunch break.

"That's the new kid," he told Wonshik and Jaehwan, his best friends who were sitting by his two sides at the table, pointing at Hongbin.

None of them had seen him in any of their classes that day, but the curly haired boy was now queuing up for his own meal with his head ducked down, sending a mixture of frightened and angry glances in everyone else's way every now and then.

"Is he really a boy?" Wonshik asked, fighting down a piece of meat with which he had already smeared a great amount of sauce on his face. Hakyeon was strongly against messing up either his face or his clothes, was scared he would get food or dirt on his jacket or trousers, but Wonshik was Wonshik and sometimes he appeared in class with chocolate above his eyebrow or on the tip of his nose which Jaehwan, to Hakyeon's deep horror, licked off on more than one occasion.

"He looks like a girl," Jaehwan said, taking a break in building his asparagus house on his plate and pushing the metal frame of his round glasses up on the bridge of his nose. Hongbin was looking for a table where no one sat and he soon found one in a faraway corner of the cafeteria. "Seems too pretty to be a boy."

"He's a stupid boy, though," Hakyeon said balefully. "And rude, too. I don't like him."

"But Mrs Choi said—" Wonshik started.

"He doesn't care what Mrs Choi said," Hakyeon replied. "And I don't want to be around him."

"You'll need to, anyway," Jaehwan said, cutting up his asparagus to make a window for his house. "You can't be class president if—"

"Shut up," Hakyeon cut in. He didn't even want to hear about the possibility of losing his position.

And if that involved taming a boy who was sitting in a dark corner looking like a wild animal waiting to ambush the bunnies around him while poking the food on his tray, he was going to get the business done, no matter what.

 

 

"Hakyeon," Mrs. Choi said, looking up from the papers she was writing. "What's wrong?"

"Lee Hongbin is not willing to have me show him around the building," Hakyeon said, straight to the point. His homeroom teacher raised her eyebrows, now seemingly very interested in whatever Hakyeon had to say. Hakyeon tipped up his face, feeling the importance of his words. "He told me to leave him alone and didn't come to any of our classes this morning."

"Really?" Mrs Choi asked. "Please, go find him and take him to me, all right?"

Hakyeon nodded and left the teachers' room.

It took him a while to look around in all the boys' bathrooms and the corridors, not seeing Hongbin anywhere. He was just about to give up when a dull thump reached his ears from the direction of a back staircase. He walked there as quietly as he could, peeking around the stairs, seeing a small figure sitting under the steps, a left fist smashing the wall incessantly.

Hakyeon, confused, stepped around the corner.

"What are you doing?" he asked softly.

Hongbin spun around at the speed of sound, looking at Hakyeon frightened, his big eyes glossy and lower lip trembling.

"Why are you here?" he demanded, his voice cracking.

"Mrs Choi told me to take you to her," Hakyeon replied, watching Hongbin tuck his left hand into his jacket's sleeve with his cheeks looking redder by the second.

"I don't want to go," Hongbin said, gathering his backpack from the floor, standing up.

"You _have_ to!" Hakyeon replied, losing his temper. "I don't want to be around you either, but we have to go together!"

Hongbin glared at him, and then turned around, trying to leave, but Hakyeon grabbed his arm, yanking him back towards himself. He was holding Hongbin's left wrist, his hand peeking from the sleeve and Hakyeon let go of him immediately, like he was touching hot metal.

Hongbin's knuckles were bruised to the point they were almost black, an old wound opened up by the way he constantly hit the wall, blood smeared on his pale skin. Hakyeon glanced at the wall and noticed the small streaks of red on the cream coloured paint. When he looked at Hongbin again, Hongbin's eyes were wetter than before, the blush disappearing from his face to give way to paleness. He seemed to be close to vomiting.

"Why did you do that?" Hakyeon whispered, lost at what to do.

"Please, don't tell anybody," Hongbin mouthed back, nearly no sound leaving his mouth. He pulled his hand back into his sleeve, hissing painfully at the contact.

"Why did you do it?" Hakyeon asked again, his own hand still lingering idly in the air.

"Please," Hongbin mumbled, his lower lip jutting out as his tears started flowing over the corners of his eyes.

"But I'm—," Hakyeon swallowed tightly, "I'm class president."

"Please, I— I'll bring you chocolate, okay?" Hongbin pleaded desperately, wiping his face into the shoulder of his jacket. "I have a lot of it at home, just tell me which ones you like."

"I don't want chocolate," Hakyeon replied slowly.

"Okay," Hongbin said, letting out a miserable sigh, the tears streaming down his face. Hakyeon was highly uncomfortable with the situation. "Okay, do you like the Transformers? I've got a huge Bumblebee toy, I can give that to you."

"I don't want it," Hakyeon shook his head.

Hongbin looked around like he was looking for something on the corridor to bribe Hakyeon with. Hakyeon's chest was heavy and he felt like he was going to choke, but finally said, "I won't tell anybody, but come to Mrs Choi with me now."

Hongbin took a deep breath and nodded, turning around to go to the teachers' room.

"Wait," Hakyeon said, taking out two tissues from his trousers' pocket. He opened one of them, stepping closer to Hongbin and carefully wiping the tears off his face. Hongbin was staring at him in disbelief—a few inches shorter than Hakyeon—, but didn't move, let Hakyeon clean him up. "Blow your nose, too," Hakyeon told him once he was done, throwing the soggy tissue into a nearby trashcan and giving the clean one to Hongbin. "It's snotty."

Hongbin blushed, but blew his nose nevertheless and followed Hakyeon on the corridor.


	3. III

Hakyeon and Hongbin never really got close.

Hakyeon had Jaehwan and Wonshik to have fun with and Hongbin didn't like talking to others at school—at least, that's how Hakyeon interpreted his behaviour which included not answering questions and always sitting very far away from fellow students (he would pull his desk in the back of the classroom even more into the corner so he would be further away from the others).

Hakyeon never even really sought his company; Hongbin seemed to want to be alone, but they did greet each other daily with a nod for the next two years.

Why Hongbin decided to skin his knuckles was still a secret even in their last year of primary school. Hongbin showed up with bandages and band-aids on his knuckles every now and again, but none of the teachers really cared about it, let alone any other student. Hakyeon was nervous when he saw the bandages; his stomach would turn into knots and he would bite the skin of his fingers, staring at Hongbin's hand that he seemed to try not to use excessively, even though he was clearly left-handed. He nearly never did his written homework which seemed to be a result of his knuckles being tender and that was quite worrisome to Hakyeon—not as class president, but as someone who saw what Hongbin did to himself and kept quiet about it.


	4. IV

It was towards the end of September in 6th grade that they interacted again.

Jaehwan and Wonshik gathered around Hakyeon before first class to copy his Literature homework, Hakyeon having to rephrase his own sentences to both of them in a way that it wouldn't be obvious plagiarism. Not many of their classmates had arrived yet, only a few kids occupying the classroom, but then someone stormed in, throwing their backpack on a desk in the back of the room in an upset manner. Hakyeon glanced at Hongbin, at his shaky hands as he violently opened his backpack, taking out his textbooks and from one of them, a birthday card. The boy's face twitched like he was about to scream at the paper, and then, with a swift move of his fingers, tore it into the smallest pieces possible. When he was done, he took all the pieces into his hands and threw them into the paper bin next to him, flopping down on top of his desk afterwards, punching the wall by his side with his bandaged left hand.

"What did you write here?" Jaehwan asked, but Hakyeon barely heard him.

"I don't know," he mumbled, his eyes glued to Hongbin and the way his entire body trembled. "I'll be right back."

He stood up, hurrying out of the classroom and into the cafeteria, only to be back a few minutes later.

He stepped to Hongbin's desk (the boy was still slouched over his arms) and carefully placed a pack of cookies by his elbow. Hongbin sensed the movement and slowly lifted his head, catching sight of the sweets and then blinking up at Hakyeon, looking utterly confused.

"Happy birthday," Hakyeon said with a nervous smile.

Hongbin glanced back down at the cookies, raising his eyebrows, but he couldn't say anything, because the bell rang and the teacher walked into the room.

"Why did you buy him cookies?" Jaehwan asked, tipping his chin towards Hongbin sitting in the back of the cafeteria, poking his lunch. Jaehwan stole a piece of meat from Wonshik's bowl, earning a disapproving grunt from the latter.

"It's his birthday, I think," Hakyeon replied.

"You think?" Wonshik asked.

Hakyeon nodded, looking into Hongbin's direction. The boy was fingering the plastic wrapper of the cookies, looking up at Hakyeon, the tiniest smile appearing on his face, dimples appearing on his cheeks just slightly, making Hakyeon's chest swell with a kind of affection that was absolutely uncalled for.

 

 

Spring was approaching and Hakyeon was overwhelmed by the mid-term tests coming up, spending inhuman amounts of time studying. With his tasks as class president adding to his tremendous list of things to do, he was slowly forgetting about his worries concerning Hongbin, even if they lingered on the periphery of his mind.

He was on his way home with Jaehwan and Wonshik by his sides, the three of them stepping out into the flower-scented air, the sun shining brightly up on the sky when he heard the loud, painful cry that got muffled immediately. He turned his head towards the corner of the school building, hearing boisterous laughter that just didn’t sound right.

“Hyung?” Wonshik asked when Hakyeon stopped.

“Did you guys hear that?”

“Hear what?” Jaehwan inquired, sharing a look with Wonshik.

“It sounded like—” Hakyeon didn’t finish the sentence, but there was a horrific bundle of nervousness forming in the pit of his stomach.

“Hyung, where are you going?” Jaehwan called when Hakyeon started jogging towards the side of the building.

Under the shadow of a huge birch, three boys were apparently cornering someone, one of them, a bulky guy who seemed somewhat familiar, asking their victim, “Why don’t you wear some makeup, you pretty thing?”

The other two started laughing again, one of them stepping forward and taking out a lipstick from his pocket, taking off the lid and hovering over the trapped person who was wriggling in the hold of the other two, trying to kick out, but the third bully braced his own legs by their side.

Hakyeon was rooted to the spot. He was terrified, of the thought of fighting such big boys, of getting hurt, of losing points and getting detention—of his class president title being taken away from him if he intervened. There were tears in the corners of his eyes as he watched the three guys smearing bold red lipstick on the fourth one’s face, his hand grabbing the wall and crumbling it with his fingers, his legs shaking. He wanted to be a hero, he wanted to save Hongbin—it was Hongbin, Hakyeon had heard him cry a couple of years ago, his voice coming out as desperate now as it had done back then.

“What’s going on?” Wonshik asked next to him, and Hakyeon flinched from the realization that his friends were watching the events unfold, doing nothing, just like him.

The bullies were chuckling, one of them taking out his phone and snapping a picture, another kicking Hongbin in the shin, simply because he could, and a few seconds later, they cleared off.

Hongbin was standing with his back against the tree, knees buckling and eyes shut tight as he cried, the red lipstick smeared all over his mouth. He lifted his wildly shaking left arm to his mouth, trying to wipe the makeup off, the white bandage on his knuckles stained by freshly shed blood.

“Oh my God,” was all Jaehwan whispered, but Hongbin heard him anyway, opening his eyes.

He wasn’t looking at Jaehwan, only at Hakyeon, his eyes wet but not at all shiny. What Hakyeon saw in them looked like disappointment, betrayal—a pain so deep it made Hakyeon's tears spill.

Hongbin gathered his backpack from the pavement with his arm still rubbing at his mouth, turned around and left.

 

 

“Hyung,” Jaehwan said, hurrying into the classroom, standing by Hakyeon's desk. “Look at this.”

Hakyeon glanced up from his notebook at the phone in Jaehwan's hand, dropping his pencil at the sight of the picture. It was of Hongbin from the day before: tear streaks on his cheeks, his curly hair a mess, red lipstick all over his mouth as he kept his eyes shut tight, a painful grimace on his face.

“They sent it around,” Wonshik said, suddenly appearing by Jaehwan's side. “Everyone’s seen it.”

Hakyeon felt dizzy as he looked around the classroom, girls giggling and boys snorting as they stared at their phone. Hongbin's desk was empty in the corner.

“Who sent it to you?” Hakyeon asked, willing his voice to stay calm, even though he felt ready to set fire to each and every person surrounding him, except his friends.

“Ha Youngjoo,” Jaehwan replied.

Hakyeon stood up at the speed of sound, storming out of the room with Jaehwan and Wonshik shouting his name and telling him to stay.

Hakyeon ran up the stairs and through a couple of corridors, his vision blurry and his face heating up. He didn’t think; his mind was blank as a sheet of paper as he burst into the classroom of 6-C, finding Youngjoo sitting at one of the desks in the middle of his circle of admirers, leaning back in his chair with a satisfied smirk on his face. Hakyeon closed the distance between them in less than a second, his fist connecting with Youngjoo's nose a moment later.

"What the fuck?!" someone yelled, but Hakyeon took advantage of Youngjoo's surprise and stroke again, this time aiming at his mouth.

"You piece of shit!" Hakyeon heard himself shout when he hit Youngjoo again, the muscles in his arm straining from the adrenaline shock that guided it forward.

He could only hit three times before his arms were grabbed and held behind his back, his shoulder almost getting dislodged as he struggled to get free.

"Let go of me!" he bellowed.

Youngjoo's eyes were teary but he still looked flabbergasted like he couldn't quite grasp what was going on.

Suddenly, Hakyeon was let go and the classroom quieted. When he turned around, he was face to face with a horrified teacher.

 

 

Hakyeon's hand hurt and he cradled it to his chest as he walked along the pavement, looking for number 32 among the small suburban houses. He had already been to this part of the area, but that thought didn't make him any less nervous about the possibility that he might not find the house he was looking for.

The house he had been looking for was a pretty, small one with nice flowers blooming in the front garden, the building itself coloured a light shade of yellow. He went up the driveway to the front door and lifted his arm to ring the doorbell, but suddenly he felt self-conscious.

He had watched Hongbin get humiliated in the middle of the school grounds and did nothing to save him, to prevent him from getting broken by those dickheads. What did he even come for? To collect Hongbin's admiration for beating up Youngjoo _after_ it didn't matter anymore? To make himself seem less of an asshole?

Probably.

But for the most part, he wanted to see Hongbin.

He rang the doorbell, and some moments later, he was blinking at a tired-looking Hongbin.

"Hey," Hakyeon said weakly.

Hongbin glared at him and moved to shut the door again, but Hakyeon stuck his foot between that and the threshold.

"Please, let's talk," he said.

"I have nothing to say to you," Hongbin mumbled.

"I've brought you the homework," Hakyeon insisted. "Well, from some of the classes, at least. I couldn't go to all of them today."

"Go away," Hongbin said.

"Hongbin, please."

Hongbin took a deep breath, and opened the door for Hakyeon to step in.

The house wasn’t too big even on the inside, but it seemed very homey—it reminded Hakyeon of his own in a way, giving him a pleasant feeling as he entered.

Hongbin watched him take his shoes off in the hallway, but in no way did he indicate that Hakyeon was welcome and should go farther inside, so Hakyeon stood there awkwardly, fumbling with his bag.

“We have an essay due next Tuesday in Literature,” he said, handing a piece of paper to Hongbin. “And we’re taking a test in History, too. There’s… there’s the Maths homework, too.”

Hongbin was looking somewhere at the strap of Hakyeon's side bag instead of the paper, with his brow furrowed. Hakyeon started fidgeting, and then said, “Well, I guess—”

“What’s up with your hand?” Hongbin asked, eyes snapping back up at Hakyeon's face.

Hakyeon felt himself blush and tried to hide his hand behind back, but Hongbin quickly reached out and grabbed his wrist, a little bit rougher than necessary. His fingers were cold, a bandage wrapped around the middle of his hand.

“Why is it bruised?” Hongbin inquired, looking into Hakyeon's eyes. “Are you making fun of me?”

“What?” Hakyeon blurted out, caught completely off guard. “No. Why would I— No.”

“Then what did you do?”

“Listen, I don’t owe you an explanation, okay,” Hakyeon quipped, sniffing angrily as he pulled his hand out of Hongbin's grip.

“Why are you here?” Hongbin asked. “Did you come to check on me?”

“No, I didn’t! I came to give you the homework! Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because no one ever wants to be just kind to me.”

Hongbin said that calmly, with no sadness or resignation showing on his face, only the sparks of suspicion flickering in his eyes. Hakyeon rather hoped he was just exaggerating, but if he really wasn't... that would have just made the whole thing all the more depressing and Hakyeon didn't want to lie to him.

"I fought," he said eventually.

"You fought," Hongbin repeated, cocking an eyebrow in disbelief. "But you're _class president_ ," Hongbin said, his tone clearly mocking Hakyeon's.

"Was," Hakyeon replied, swallowing thickly at the thought and blinking down at the floor. "They took it away from me." He added, softer, as if not wanting Hongbin to hear, "And suspended me, too."

"Really?" Hongbin asked, his voice cheerful, and when Hakyeon looked up, surprised, he saw him grinning. "That's cool!"

"What's cool about being suspended?" Hakyeon grumbled.

Hongbin shrugged. "Everything's cooler than being class president. Who did you beat up?"

"Doesn't matter," Hakyeon mumbled.

There was an awkward silence then, Hongbin scratching his elbow and Hakyeon shuffling his feet.

"So, um," Hongbin cleared his throat. "I've been watching Star Wars, do you— I mean, now that you have some time, you could join, if you want."

Hakyeon searched Hongbin's eyes, finding a tentative but nevertheless friendly shine in them, his watery smile only softening his expression.

"I've got a few hours before they can contact my parents."

Hongbin grinned wider, dimples digging into his cheeks like they did back in the cafeteria, and Hakyeon couldn't help smiling back.

 

 

Hakyeon spent exactly three days away from school. His parents grounded him for three additional weeks, but that didn't matter much—what did matter was how furious his mother was and the fact that his father told him he was disappointed in his son.

(Later, after dinner, when Hakyeon was doing the washing up as a side-punishment, his dad asked him if his punch had been strong, and when Hakyeon said Youngjoo's lip had split, his dad asked for a hi five.)

Nonetheless, he was back at school finally, and as soon as Jaehwan and Wonshik saw him enter the classroom, they both jumped at him and started clinging on his neck.

"I had no idea you were this amazing, hyung!" Jaehwan screeched happily, pulling back and pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. "Youngjoo was like—"

"He cried!" Wonshik said excitedly. “His nose broke!”

"His mouth was bleeding, it totally looked like you knocked out a teeth or two!"

"No one believed it was you until you stopped coming to school and we got a new class president!"

"At first we thought you were kicked out!" Jaehwan grinned, bouncing up and down.

"Shut up," Hakyeon mumbled, because people started to look at him in a way that indicated they wanted to talk about everything that had happened, and Hakyeon didn't really want to be reminded of it all.

Hakyeon gently shoved his friends so he could make his way towards his desk. Across from him, in the corner, Hongbin was sitting alone, with a bottle of strawberry milk in his injured but apparently healing left hand, the corners of his lips curving upward around his straw.

Hakyeon didn't exactly like the fact that Hongbin's smile made him feel happier about being back to school than his best friends' cheerful greeting did.

 

 

"Do you want to sit with us at lunch?" Hakyeon asked, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder as he stood next to Hongbin's desk after class.

"Ah," Hongbin said, glancing over Hakyeon's shoulder, pulling a face that looked pretty funny, "I'm not sure if your friends would like that."

Hakyeon looked back at Wonshik and Jaehwan staring at the two of them, brows furrowed in a confused way.

"They don't bite," Hakyeon replied. "They're just not used to others around us."

"Sounds inviting," Hongbin said sarcastically.

"No, really," Hakyeon laughed. "They just have to adjust. But they'll get used to you."

Hongbin raised his eyebrows and Hakyeon felt his entire face flush immediately at the implied suggestion.

He had no idea how to make friends—back in primary school, Wonshik most literally ran over him with his bicycle in the schoolyard when Hakyeon was lying in the grass, and Jaehwan kept stealing Hakyeon's colour pencils in Art class, so the three of them somehow just... happened. It seemed silly to outright ask Hongbin to be his friend, he knew that much, even if he kind of liked Hongbin for a reason he couldn't quite grasp, but even so, he could have been a lot more subtle.

Past unreal conditional.

"Okay," Hongbin said shakily, a nervous sigh escaping his mouth as he stood up as well.

Hongbin kept stepping on Hakyeon's heels from how much he was plastered up on his back when they were already queuing up for their lunch with Jaehwan and Wonshik standing in front of Hakyeon. Hongbin was poking his back with his tray accidentally, but Hakyeon couldn't really find it in him to be annoyed about it. He simply took his lunch and bought a small pack of cookies which he placed on Hongbin's tray on their way to the table Wonshik and Jaehwan occupied.

Hongbin stopped in the middle of the hall.

"What's this for?" he asked, looking up at Hakyeon with wide eyes.

Hakyeon shrugged. "You seemed happy about them on your birthday."

"But it's... not my birthday today?"

"I know," Hakyeon laughed.

"But then—"

"I'M STARVING," Jaehwan yelled through the general noise, making the lady behind the counter jerk her head up, murderous intent shining in her eyes.

"Let's go before he makes us get poisoned food tomorrow," Hakyeon said, tipping his head in his friends' direction.

"Finally," Wonshik sighed, promptly shoving three pieces of meat into his mouth.

They mostly ate in silence apart from Jaehwan noting that the pickled radishes tasted 'like someone ate them, threw them up, ate them again and then it just came out of them the usual way', at which Wonshik laughed boisterously with his head resting on Jaehwan's shoulder. Hakyeon told Jaehwan he was 'literally the most disgusting person on earth', and Hongbin simply pushed his bowl of pickled radishes into the corner of his tray and never touched it again.

"Oh, cookies, you have cookies!" Jaehwan all but screamed at Hongbin when he caught sight of the chocolate chip cookies Hakyeon had bought him. Jaehwan tucked his glasses up on his nose, eyeing the cookies like a starving lion would look at a gazelle.

"Yeah, Hakyeon bought them for me," Hongbin mumbled, the first sentence he uttered since they had sat down.

"Again?!" Wonshik asked indignantly, lifting his head from Jaehwan's shoulder, looking like he got slapped. "This is the second time! He literally never buys us anything! He always just demands we buy him this and that and if we don't—"

"He keeps hitting us until we do," Jaehwan finished the sentence, glaring at Hakyeon.

"That's not true," Hakyeon replied without letting any emotion seep into his voice as he chewed on a piece of carrot.

"I have like, five pictures of you hitting Jaehwan last week," Wonshik said, taking his phone out of his trousers' pocket.

Hakyeon simply reached out and took the phone away from him, holding it in his hand under the table while picking through his food, at which Wonshik mumbled a quiet 'shit'.

"Why do you take pictures of him hitting me?" Jaehwan asked.

"I don't know," Wonshik shrugged. "It's funny when it's not me."

"Can I give them cookies or will you hit me if I do?" Hongbin whispered, earning a glare from Hakyeon. Hongbin exhaled softly—a small laugh—before opening his pack of cookies and holding it out to Wonshik and Jaehwan.


	5. V

It was easy to integrate Hongbin, at least, on Hakyeon's part. All he had to do was not let Hongbin sit on his own at lunch and to send a few warm smiles in his direction in class to get one back—one that was ornamented with dimples and happily shining dark eyes.

Jaehwan and Wonshik weren't against Hongbin being part of their group, although, they didn't really know how to behave in front of someone they were supposed to captivate rather than scare away. Jaehwan didn't hold back on telling the nastiest jokes he recently heard from his brothers and Wonshik was as ungraceful as always, getting dirt all over himself and letting grease drip from his chin while eating.

All in all, Hakyeon was surprised Hongbin didn't switch schools because of those two. Actually, while Hongbin did still seem somewhat nervous around Jaehwan and Wonshik, he managed to warm up to Hakyeon so much that the sarcastic remarks started to come daily, and soon Hakyeon had doubts whether Hongbin was speaking honestly or just joking whenever he opened his mouth. It was annoying in the most endearing way.

Hakyeon experienced a sudden positive jump in their newfound friendship a few weeks after Hakyeon had visited Hongbin in his home, namely on a Wednesday at lunch.

The two of them, accompanied by Jaehwan and Wonshik, were sitting at a table eating in peace with Jaehwan excitedly describing the latest episode of some anime none of the rest of them cared about, when Wonshik suddenly jerked in his seat.

"He's come back," he said in a dramatic tone.

"Who?" Hakyeon asked, turning around in his seat and trying to find the person Wonshik was staring at.

"I'm in the middle of _something_ , you know," Jaehwan grumbled, but then, surprised, he said, "Oh, Youngjoo's back."

Youngjoo was indeed standing in the queue with his gigantic friends, but he seemed half the size he had always been. He lowered his head and avoided eye-contact with everyone, a sullen expression on his completely healed face. He looked like a scared forest bunny.

Hakyeon turned back around, glancing at Hongbin who was fidgeting anxiously in his seat, thoroughly examining every piece of his bowl of fried rice.

"No comments?" Wonshik asked Hakyeon with a smirk.

"I can't believe hyung managed to literally beat him down like this," Jaehwan said jovially. "He looks like he's scared of Hakyeon jumping up and breaking his nose again!"

Hakyeon let out a grumbling noise, but didn't give a real answer. Even so, he noticed Hongbin's gaze piercing through the skin of his face, making Hakyeon turn red to the roots of his hair.

"He was— he was the one you fought with?" Hongbin asked quietly.

Hakyeon looked up at him, at Hongbin's lips parted in awe, at his eyes shining strangely like he was about to cry. He didn't know what to say, but Wonshik talked instead of him.

"Fought _with_?" Wonshik giggled. "Youngjoo was just sitting on his chair and Hakyeon knocked him out! With his bare hands!"

"I didn't knock him out," Hakyeon mumbled, embarrassed for a reason he didn't really know.

"He's right," Jaehwan agreed, grinning at a stunned Hongbin. "He just cut his lips up, gave him a nice bruise on his cheek and broke his nose. No big deal."

"You weren't even there, so stop talking about the whole thing," Hakyeon said. "It's been three weeks."

"So humble," Jaehwan replied with a grimace.

"See you in class," Hakyeon said, his appetite disappearing entirely, and stood up to take his tray to the holder. He was aware of Hongbin following him.

Out on the corridor, Hongbin was jogging to catch up to Hakyeon, walking next to him in silence for a few seconds before he asked, "Why did you hit that guy?"

"Doesn't matter," Hakyeon said.

"It matters to me!" Hongbin insisted, and when Hakyeon didn't reply, he grabbed Hakyeon's elbow and stopped him, turning him so he would face Hongbin. "Does it have anything to do with what they did to me?"

"Hongbin..."

"Hakyeon."

Hakyeon bit his lower lip, and let out a sigh.

"Okay," he said. "Yes, it does. He sent around the picture they took of you to everyone, and no one reported it to a teacher or did anything about it and I was angry and I didn't know what I was doing, I was just— just angry."

The wetness in Hongbin's eyes made them even glossier than before, his lower lip jutting out in a pout, and Hakyeon was afraid he would actually start crying this time. Hongbin let go of Hakyeon's elbow with his injured left hand, his fingers shaking in the air.

Hakyeon didn't see it coming: Hongbin stood on his tippy toes and flung his thin arms around Hakyeon's neck, holding him tightly and panting into the shoulder of his uniform jacket. Hakyeon was panicking—Jaehwan and Wonshik never hugged him like this; it was something boys didn't do with each other in their opinion.

He slowly lifted his arms, and though he was patting Hongbin's back awkwardly, his chest got filled with warmth and he wished they could stay like that forever, so that Hongbin would never have to face such awful people as Youngjoo ever again, because he would be safe in Hakyeon's arms and Hakyeon would beat up whoever dares so much as look at Hongbin in a way he didn't deem right.


	6. VI

Hongbin was scratching his arms nervously, shuffling his feet behind a street lamp, chewing on his lower lip.

"Hongbin, let's _go_ ," Hakyeon pleaded, glancing at his watch for the millionth time that morning. Three minutes until 8.

"But this uniform is uncomfortable," Hongbin said, his eyes flicking up at Hakyeon's face. "It's itchy."

"Stop lying, I'm wearing the same thing," Hakyeon said. "Please, we'll be late."

"But— but what if they'll—" Hongbin took a deep breath and quietly continued, "what if they'll hate me here, too?"

Hakyeon had already suspected that was Hongbin's biggest worry, so Hongbin's words only confirmed his thoughts.

"They won't," Hakyeon said. Two minutes until 8. "I promise."

"You can't promise that," Hongbin said, brow furrowed in annoyance. Like he had any room to be annoyed.

"Okay, then I'll beat them up," Hakyeon replied. "Just please, let's go inside."

"I think I'll just skip today," Hongbin whispered.

"No, you won't," Hakyeon shook his head. "Listen, do you want me to hold your hand?"

"What? No! I'm not a baby!"

"Just until we get to the entrance door?"

Hongbin started scratching his arms faster, so Hakyeon reached out and took his right hand into his own. Hongbin stopped scratching his right arm.

"All right?" Hakyeon asked. Less than a minute until 8. There was nobody else but them around the front gate.

Hongbin nodded and his fingers tightened around Hakyeon's palm as they started walking towards the main entrance of the school and with that, the first day of their middle school years.

 

 

Hongbin's left hand got to be bandaged more often than before, the whole boy being a nervous and shaky mess in the first few weeks of their first year. Hakyeon tried to shield him from anything that might have gone wrong, but nothing really did and everything was pretty much the same with Jaehwan and Wonshik still in the same class as them and the four of them still spending their lunchtime together. The only thing that was different apart from the institution they were studying at now was their seating arrangement with all of them moving into a back corner of the classroom, Hakyeon and Hongbin sitting in the last row and Jaehwan and Wonshik sitting in front of them respectively.  Hakyeon had no idea what kept Hongbin so nervous even with all that.

"Are you all right?" Hakyeon asked one day after their last class, when they were on their way to the front gate. Jaehwan and Wonshik were walking several feet behind them, laughing like crazy at some joke Jaehwan just made.

Hongbin winced, right hand coming up to crack the knuckles of his left through the bandage, making his face flinch from the pain.

"I'm okay," he said, but kept pressing down on his knuckles with such force the fingers of his right hand turned white. Hakyeon grabbed his wrist and pried his fingers off his left hand.

"Don't do that."

"Let me do it," Hongbin mumbled, and there was something in his voice, something that sounded like begging—something Hakyeon didn't like.

"You'll hurt yourself," Hakyeon said.

"That's kind of the point," Hongbin said and snatched his wrist out of Hakyeon's grip, resuming the harmful action.

"Do you want to come over to mine?" Hakyeon asked, mainly to distract Hongbin.

Hongbin glanced at him, wide-eyed, and for a few moments, he looked like he was considering whether or not that would be a good idea.

"I could help you practise for Thursday's Maths test," Hakyeon said then.

"Would it be okay?" Hongbin asked, worried. "I mean, wouldn't your parents mind?"

"Of course not," Hakyeon shook his head and pointed behind his back, "those two are there all the time, too."

"Okay," Hongbin nodded and finally smiled—a real smile, not a trembling one.

 

 

Hakyeon's mother was delighted to get to know Hongbin, someone who looks "less of a rascal" than Jaehwan and Wonshik (though the smile on her face was a tell-tale sign of her liking Hakyeon's other friends). She immediately fed both of them some snacks and gave them each a cup of hot cocoa, trying to maintain small talk with Hongbin who mostly just gave her dimply smiles, charming Hakyeon's mum entirely.

"What's wrong with your hand?" she asked curiously.

Hakyeon saw Hongbin's smile fade immediately, his left hand slipping under the table. "I— I just—"

"He fell," Hakyeon replied.

"Oh, dear, was it very bad?" Hakyeon's mum asked worriedly.

"Nothing serious," Hakyeon said. "He got it disinfected."

"I see. Well, try to be a little more careful next time, all right?" she smiled.

"Yes," Hongbin nodded and his voice wavered.

"We'll be in my room," Hakyeon said and stood up, Hongbin following suit.

Hongbin was apparently uncomfortable when they stepped into Hakyeon's bedroom, looking around as he stood in the middle of the place.

"Have a seat," Hakyeon said, patting the mattress of his bed.

"Can I?" Hongbin asked.

"Of course you can," Hakyeon laughed. "Have you never been to your friends' house before?"

"I didn't really... I mean, before you guys, I didn't really have... friends. Actually."

"Oh," Hakyeon blushed. "Well, you can do whatever you want. As if you were at home."

Hongbin nodded and sat down on the bed while Hakyeon took out his Maths textbook and his notes, climbing up on the bed with Hongbin.

"Do we really have to do that?" Hongbin grimaced at the book.

"You don't want to?" Hakyeon raised his eyebrows.

"Who _wants_ to practise Maths at all?" Hongbin asked back.

"I like Maths."

"I don't," Hongbin replied.

"Um," Hakyeon looked around the room. "What do you want to do, then?"

"Can we just watch TV or something?"

"All right," Hakyeon sighed and reached for the remote, turning it on to some kind of awful music video playing on MTV. "You know," Hakyeon said when he saw Hongbin tap away on his bandage, "you'll have to tell me about it at some point."

"About what?"

"Your hand."

Hongbin's breath hitched in the back of his throat and he pulled his knees up to his chest like he was scared. Hakyeon didn't like it at all.

"Can I take a look at it?" Hakyeon asked.

"It's just bruises," Hongbin replied.

"They bleed sometimes," Hakyeon argued.

"Just a few scratches."

"Hongbin, I'm your friend. Best friend, too, I hope."

"Why do you keep saying you're this and that when you want something?" Hongbin asked impatiently.

"Because when I'm simply asking something, you always say no." Hakyeon tried not to sound aggressive, but he did want to know what was going on, and not out of curiosity. Maybe he tended to meddle—that was true to some extent, Wonshik and Jaehwan had told him it was so, but this time he just didn't want to feel excluded from Hongbin's privacy when he had no secrets in front of him. He kind of wanted to tell Hongbin all that, but it was incredibly hard to word those thoughts.

Hongbin sighed. "Okay," he said and started taking off the bandage.

Underneath the textile, Hongbin's knuckles were dark purple and swollen; big, half-healed scratches criss-crossing them, his skin broken and peppered with old scars all over.

"Hongbin-ah," Hakyeon mumbled, taking Hongbin's hand into his own gently, not to hurt him. "Why do you do this?"

"It's nothing," Hongbin all but whispered.

"It's definitely _something_ ," Hakyeon said. Hongbin's face flushed and he looked away from Hakyeon. "I saw you do this to yourself, but I... I don't understand why you keep doing this."

"It helps," Hongbin said, a small gasp escaping him in-between words.

"Helps?"

"When I'm— when I'm angry. Or sad. Or nervous. Or just... feel bad. It helps me calm down."

"You must be angry and sad a lot, then," Hakyeon said, his own sadness collecting in the back of his throat. He was so confused.

"I'm angry a lot."

"With who?"

Hongbin shut his eyes for a moment like it was great pain to talk about all of this. Hakyeon wouldn't have tormented him if he didn't need explanations, something he could try to find a solution for and make Hongbin stop hurting himself.

"With my parents," Hongbin said, sniffling. "They don't really care about me, I— they work and travel around a lot and they're never at home and I'm always alone and— for my birthday last year… they left me that card in my backpack so I would find it at school, but they weren’t at home when I woke up… I used to live with my grandma very far away from here, because they didn't have time for me, and then—" Hongbin swallowed thickly. "And then, they took me away from Gran and took me home with them, because... Gran said because they were told they neglected their son, and so they took me home and... and they still don't really come home or care about me and I miss Gran so much and it's just so hard..." A tear slid down on Hongbin's cheek as he glanced down at the mattress. "It's hard to be alone all the time, because I know they don't love me and I know I'm bad and... I just want them to love me, you know?" A hiccup. "I don't want to be alone and I don't want them to hate me."

Hongbin broke down, trying to stifle his noises with his right hand, his left one still in Hakyeon's, blunt fingernails digging into Hakyeon's palm as he cried, painfully, trembling from head to toe. Hakyeon had no idea he was crying, too, until he felt a tear drop from his chin onto his arm. He scooted closer to Hongbin on the bed, pulling him close, still holding his hand as he hugged Hongbin, letting him crease his shirt on his back into his fist. Hongbin sobbed incessantly, pressing his mouth to Hakyeon's shoulder, the warmth of his lips dampening Hakyeon's skin under the material, but he didn't care at that point.

"You're not bad, Bin-ah," Hakyeon said quietly so his mother outside the room wouldn't hear him. "You're good and I love you and Jaehwan and Wonshik love you and you don't have to be alone. You can move in here, I'll tell mum—"

"Don't tell her!" Hongbin cried into Hakyeon's shoulder, his voice coming out muffled.

"We can tell her your parents let you stay here while they’re on a business trip," Hakyeon said, sniffling, though he was unsure of what he was offering. He never really lied to his parents and this would be a huge one. "For a few weeks, if you want."

Hongbin held Hakyeon tighter, but his sobs subsided somewhat and he lifted his head from Hakyeon's shoulder.

"Can we do it?" he breathed.

"Sure," Hakyeon replied, caressing Hongbin's back. "We'll do it."

"Thank you," Hongbin whispered, pressing his face into the crook of Hakyeon's neck. "Thank you."


	7. VII

With Hongbin practically moving in to Hakyeon's place, it seemed that middle school became a lot easier for him to endure.

Hakyeon noticed how the bruises on his knuckles started to fade, though Hakyeon shuddered whenever he saw the blue and green patches on his skin at home.

His mum didn’t quite believe all the reasons they came up with for Hongbin spending _just a few more days_ over at their place every single time they lied about Hongbin's parents being on business trips (not that they cared about their son much; they only called him when they arrived home and couldn’t find Hongbin there), or for Hakyeon spending three nights in a row over at Hongbin's. Hakyeon's mother wasn’t stupid and Hakyeon wasn’t stupid either—he knew his mum suspected something. That is why he wasn’t surprised when his mum asked him what was going on.

“His parents are busy,” Hakyeon said, dropping his and Hongbin's uniforms into the laundry basket. “And he likes to be with me.”

That apparently wasn’t a very satisfying answer, but Hakyeon's mum let them continue what they had been doing and never asked more, treating Hongbin like he was her own child.

(Except for the cleaning—Hongbin never had to do the chores and Hakyeon didn’t like this kind of discrimination towards him.)

Hakyeon anticipated high school more than any of his friends—he wanted some challenge in his studies and to be treated less as a child and more as an adult. Or something close to an adult.

Considering the meagre amount of high schools in town to choose from, the four of them—not so miraculously—happened to enrol in the same one.

The changes his friends had gone through appearance-wise during the break were striking in the new context and Hakyeon kind of wished something similar would have happened to him.

Jaehwan gave up his round glasses for a pair of contact lenses, and had his hair cut and straightened, transforming from awkward, silly-looking nerd into a handsome guy with a charming smile that got the girls in their class flutter their eyelashes and cock their head to the side whenever Jaehwan walked by.

Wonshik—like he wanted to keep up with Jaehwan at all costs—still looked somewhat lame, but the way he started growing out the top layer of his hair while subtly having the bottom layers cut short so it still wouldn’t be conspicuous to teachers definitely helped his image. His baby fat had started to melt off his face, too, leaving behind sharper edges that only his droopy eyes and small mouth could soften.

Hongbin got a shorter, boyish haircut, too—a change Hakyeon was particularly upset about and felt personally attacked by. He had always liked Hongbin's chestnut locks, the way they curled around his ears and sometimes covered his eyes so he had to flick his fringe out of them; the way the light illuminated his waves. Hell, he somehow couldn’t even get annoyed by that soft mane of Hongbin's getting into his mouth at night, waking him up, when Hongbin was pressed close to him in bed, curling into Hakyeon's body like a small child seeking protection.

Hongbin also got a few inches taller, now practically the same height as Hakyeon. Apart from that, his jawline seemed sharper, his smile brighter, and so Hakyeon couldn’t blame the girls that nearly swooned when they saw him—if they weren’t already swooning from Jaehwan.

Hakyeon, for his part, was still waiting for some kind of miracle or an ugly duckling type of transformation to happen to him, because all he noticed on himself was that he got lankier and small hairs started to grow above his upper lip which, as soon as Hongbin noticed, Hakyeon shaved the hell off (and got himself a few nice cuts at the same time).

It was in their second year of high school that Wonshik managed to confuse all of them except Jaehwan to the extent Hakyeon experienced a not-so-mild existential crisis because of him.

Hakyeon and Hongbin were playing their fourth party of tic-tac-toe towards the end of lunch break when Wonshik dashed into the classroom, seemingly freaked out. He almost choked up on the words when he said, “Hakyeon, can we talk?”

Hakyeon and Hongbin shared a look, but then Hakyeon stood up and followed Wonshik outside the classroom. He had no idea why they had to hide in the janitor’s closet for whatever Wonshik wanted to talk about, but it was pretty scary once they were cramped in there together. Wonshik was tucking at his clothes and breathing shakily—as much of a nervous mess as Hongbin tended to be.

“Wonshik, what’s going on?” Hakyeon asked, Wonshik's stress slowly sticking on him. “Is something wrong?”

“Jaehwan,” Wonshik gasped, tearing at his lower lip with his teeth for a second. “Jaehwan is wrong.”

“Why, what did he do? Something stupid?”

“Stupid,” Wonshik laughed dryly. “I’m the stupid one here.”

“Wonshik, I swear to God, _spit it out_.”

“I saw him making out with some girl by the fire exit just now,” Wonshik said then, his voice going up in pitch.

“Is that it?” Hakyeon asked, even more puzzled than before.

“Is that it?” Wonshik echoed. “Is that it? Hakyeon, I’m— I didn’t like what I saw, I mean—”

Hakyeon lifted his arms in the air. “Was she ugly or?”

“No, don’t you understand?” Wonshik threw his head back in frustration. “Fuck, she was hot, that’s the real problem here. I don’t want Jaehwan to kiss anybody.”

“Why, do you envy him or what?” Hakyeon asked, practically shouting now. “Stop beating about the fucking bush, Wonshik, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say!”

“I _love_ Jaehwan, okay?!”

Wonshik was trembling with anger and Hakyeon choked on air. They were staring at each other like they’d got frozen in time; Wonshik heaving and Hakyeon feeling like the world had just turned upside down under his feet.

“Are you su—”

“I’m not sure. Hakyeon.” Wonshik took a deep breath. “I just… don’t want him to do that, you know? And I— well, I’m jealous and I know I shouldn’t be, because… fuck, I don’t know, he’s a _guy_!”

Hakyeon swallowed thickly, blinking this way and that, trying to make sense of everything that was so very complicated at that moment.

“It— it happens, Wonshik-ah,” Hakyeon said softly. “You don’t really get to control who you like, so… maybe, maybe you like guys, but it’s okay, it— it has to be okay.”

“I’m scared,” Wonshik whispered, looking at Hakyeon like a deer caught in the headlights. “This shouldn’t be happening, I don’t want to, like, have a crush on Jaehwan or… or any guy really, I’m just…” Wonshik pressed his palms on his face. “What do I do now?”

The bell rang outside on the corridor and Hakyeon flinched.

“I don’t know, Wonshik,” he said, letting out a sigh. “I don’t know.”

 

 

“So, he… likes boys?” Hongbin asked quietly in the darkness of the bedroom, his voice coming from Hakyeon's right.

“I’m not sure,” Hakyeon replied.

He was staring up at the ceiling, thoughts swirling in his mind, trying to find out what was really going on around him.

Wonshik couldn’t have liked a guy. Guys didn’t like guys. That was unacceptable. On the other hand, while he didn’t understand how deep Wonshik's feelings were (or how on earth he managed to fall for Jaehwan of all people, for that matter), he couldn’t condemn him for them, and not only because Wonshik was his best friend. Hakyeon considered himself a person with a strong sense of justice, and no matter how long and thoroughly he had been taught that a couple must consist of a woman and a man, he couldn’t see anything wrong with the fact that Wonshik was maybe—probably—in love with Jaehwan. That simply seemed right.

“It might just be Jaehwan, I think,” Hakyeon said.

“You mean, he loves Jaehwan?” Hongbin asked, his ankle bumping with Hakyeon's as he rolled onto his back on the mattress. “Like, _love_ loves?”

“He did say so himself,” Hakyeon replied.

“Do you think that’s possible?” Hongbin whispered.

Hakyeon turned his head towards him, eyes trailing down all the lines of his face that made him look so delicate and beautiful—the lines that had made everyone in primary school think he’d looked girly.

The thought only flashed through Hakyeon's mind, but it was enough to make him blush: if Hongbin had really been a girl, he might have kissed him right then and there, and not because he felt adventurous, but because— because Hongbin was Hongbin and Hakyeon loved him to bits. In a way.

“That would be the only reasonable way for Wonshik to feel.”


	8. VIII

It was straight up awful to see Wonshik become a miserable, starry-eyed idiot for Jaehwan.

Of course, it didn’t happen overnight, but the process seemed fast and painful, though Wonshik smiled a lot more than usual when Jaehwan was by his side. Wonshik started initiating a lot more skinship, which meant an excessive amount of leaning against Jaehwan, resting his head on Jaehwan's shoulder, cupping his face and telling him he was cute, and holding Jaehwan's hand than before—things that were such obvious and conspicuous signs of Wonshik's affection for Jaehwan that Hakyeon sometimes just wanted to scream into Jaehwan's face to finally notice what was happening around him.

“Maybe he’s just acting like he has no idea,” Hongbin said one afternoon, sprawled out on Hakyeon's bed with his Biology textbook open in front of him as he was lying on his stomach. Hakyeon had been watching his legs scissoring in air for the last five minutes, trying very hard to convince himself he was just taking a study break and not ready to give up on learning the structure of lipids.

“You think so?” Hakyeon asked sceptically. “Jaehwan can be a real dumbass when it comes to recognizing others’ feelings. And when he does recognize them, he usually doesn’t even give a damn about them.”

“I don’t think he’d want to hurt Wonshik's feelings,” Hongbin said, looking up from his book. “And he’s not stupid either, I’m pretty sure he knows what’s going on, he’s just pretending. To be honest, if I were him, I’d probably do the same.”

“I guess you’re right.”

Hakyeon turned back to his own textbook, but the cramp-like pain that formed in the middle of his chest didn’t let him concentrate.

He got a C on his test.

 

 

If Hakyeon thought Wonshik's confession was the thing that had turned the world upside down, he was very, very wrong.

It was, in fact, Jaehwan who grabbed the loose ends and tangled them until none of them could find their ways out of the net that had engulfed the four of them, and all he had to do was ask them a simple question.

“Hey,” Jaehwan greeted, flopping down on his chair, followed by an almost visibly thick cloud of perfume that got the girls in the classroom sniffing around in the air, their eyes turning glassy like Jaehwan had poured love potion all over their heads. Theirs, and Wonshik’s who was sitting on top of Hongbin's desk. “My parents are going away for the weekend. Do you guys want to go to that new club in downtown on Saturday? We could pregame at mine and you’d all have a good alibi by sleeping there.”

“Sounds nice,” Hongbin smiled, glancing at Hakyeon questioningly.

“Yeah, okay,” Hakyeon replied, not particularly excited by the plan. He rather liked spending his nights at home with a book or… or with Hongbin.

“Wonshik-ah?” Jaehwan asked, slapping Wonshik's knee. He grinned at the boy and Wonshik practically melted from the sight. Hakyeon found it gross in the most non-homophobic way. “What do you say?”

“Sure,” Wonshik said, a little breathless. “That would be great.”

“Cool, I’ll get us some booze, then.”

 

 

Everything went according to plan with Hakyeon and Hongbin arriving when Wonshik had already been there. Jaehwan had prepared assorted snacks and drinks on the coffee table, ushering Hongbin and Hakyeon into the guestroom to get rid of their backpacks first.

They sat around the coffee table, Jaehwan trying to convince all of them to start off with a shot of tequila, but after all three of them protested loudly, he settled with pouring everyone a glass of whisky.

It was nice to sit there with the alcohol warming them up, and Hakyeon soon felt himself unable to control the corners of his mouth, grinning like an idiot at anything and everything.

Wonshik got bolder from the booze: he was half sitting in Jaehwan's lap with his arm flung around Jaehwan's neck, his eyes never leaving Jaehwan's face. Jaehwan didn't seem to pay too much attention to Wonshik's weird behaviour.

As for Hongbin, he was crying from laughter, hitting his own thigh when Jaehwan cracked a particularly funny joke, and Hakyeon wondered if he'd ever seen him so happy, so beautiful.

By the time they deemed it right to get going, it had started raining cats and dogs outside.

"Don't be pussies!" Jaehwan chastised them when Hakyeon and Hongbin expressed their desire to stay inside the warm house instead. Jaehwan opened the front door then, sticking his head out and yelling through the thunders, "It's barely drizzling!" When he pulled his head back, his entire face was wet, raindrops dripping from his fringe. "Let's vote, then! Hakyeon?"

"No way am I going to step out of here."

"Hongbin?"

"Same here."

"Wonshik?"

Wonshik was fidgeting on the floor, his cheeks turning even redder under the alcohol-induced blush, if that was possible at all.

"I mean, it could be worse than getting a little wet," he shrugged.

"Thank you!" Jaehwan said victoriously.

"There's literally a tsunami out there," Hakyeon argued, pulling a face at Wonshik. He was perfectly sure Wonshik was not voting against Jaehwan simply because he was disgustingly smitten, which was okay, but Hakyeon was not going to get pneumonia because of that.

"Where are your balls even..." Jaehwan grumbled, but then he let out a defeated sigh. "Alright. What should we do, then? Watch a movie like four old men in a nursing home?"

"Anything that doesn't require going outside, really," Hongbin said and Hakyeon nodded.

Jaehwan growled unhappily, but turned on the first Iron Man movie on the TV in the living room--a film all of them had already seen, but the internet was dead in Jaehwan's house and that was the only one in their collection they all agreed on watching.

Hakyeon was sure he'd fall asleep any moment if it weren't for the second beer he was drinking and making him having to visit the toilet every fifteen minutes or so. At one such occasion, while going back to the living room, he noticed Hongbin standing behind the couch with wide eyes, shaking his head at Hakyeon. Hakyeon stopped in the doorway and furrowed his brow, but then, his brain too slow to move his body parts, he looked down at the couch where Wonshik was lying half on the armrest and half on the seats, Jaehwan kneeling above him, kissing Wonshik like a man drowning. Hakyeon glanced back up at Hongbin horrified, seeing his own feelings reflected on his face. He quickly got around the couch, grabbing Hongbin's hand and pulling him into the guestroom.

"What the hell happened?" Hakyeon asked, climbing onto the double bed with Hongbin.

"No idea," Hongbin replied, still stunned. "One moment we were sitting in peace, the next I felt Wonshik kick me, and when I looked at them, they were making out."

"I'm scarred for life," Hakyeon mumbled and took a long sip of his beer, trying to erase the memory. "I never wanted to see my friends do this. With, like, anybody, not just each other."

"Ugh, tell me about it," Hongbin said, his shoulder bumping with Hakyeon's when he lifted his own beer to his mouth.

"Sorry for leaving you there with them," Hakyeon said, his head feeling too heavy for his neck, so he rested it on Hongbin's recently broadened shoulder.

"I'll just go to the toilet with you next time," Hongbin laughed.

The booze was definitely working inside Hakyeon, making him giggle at the way his leg tangled with Hongbin’s. Hongbin, however, looked annoyingly sober, so Hakyeon nudged his bottle of beer with his hand, at which Hongbin smiled and took a sip.

“You’re no fun,” Hakyeon slurred, throwing his head back against the wall, blinking slowly.

“Because you’re _so_ much fun sitting here and laughing at nothing at all,” Hongbin replied with a grimace.

“I’m always fun,” Hakyeon said, closing his eyes. “Every single cell in my body radiates fun. Even when I’m just sitting here, I’m blessing you with my amazingly entertaining existence.”

He heard Hongbin laugh at that, a grin spreading on his own face as well.

“Truly entertaining, you are,” Hongbin said with way too much sarcasm in his voice.

Before Hakyeon could have reacted (which would have taken a couple of seconds anyway), there were two lips pressing warmly against his own. It only lasted a few moments, and then Hongbin pulled back, looking unsure when Hakyeon blinked his eyes open.

Hakyeon had always found Hongbin gorgeous—from the moment he saw him by the gate of the school, he thought Hongbin was just too good-looking to be true. He’d never really understood what made him and everyone else around him feel like Hongbin's looks were girly until now: with Hongbin's round, shiny eyes boring into him, his lower lip worried between his teeth and his (now short) hair looking messy, the immense beauty that radiated from him became even more blinding and Hakyeon wouldn’t have been able to pour his thoughts and feelings about it into proper words. Girly, at least, had given the same vibe a few years ago.

Now, Hakyeon thought, he was incredibly handsome.

“Do that again,” he said, blinking down at Hongbin's lips.

Hongbin kissed him again, but pulled back too soon this time as well.

“Again,” Hakyeon demanded.

Hongbin shifted on the bed, his hand—trembling as always—crawling closer to Hakyeon's, his fingers brushing over his gently as he captured Hakyeon's lips with his own, now staying there a little longer, drawing back right when Hakyeon was getting very comfortable with the situation.

“Again,” Hakyeon whispered and pushed forward, kissing Hongbin.

He heard Hongbin put their beers on the nightstand before he placed his left hand on Hakyeon's waist, thumb caressing him through the material of his shirt, his lips parting. Never in a million years would Hakyeon have imagined he would kiss Hongbin at one point in his life, but even if he had, he couldn’t have known it would feel like this. Hongbin was all kinds of contradictory as he let Hakyeon gather him in his lap: his hips and thighs were so small, but his arms firm and muscular, hands shaking and still steady on Hakyeon's waist, his lips, though chapped, soft under Hakyeon's tongue.

Hongbin's hands slowly slid down from Hakyeon's waist to the hem of his shirt, his fingertips reaching under it, touching Hakyeon's stomach. Hakyeon bit down on Hongbin's lower lip, hands finding their way into his hair, tangling into his locks when Hongbin fully reached under the material and his palms rested on his chest.

Hakyeon was quite wary of revealing his body to anyone—he wasn't very taut or buff, nothing like Hongbin. Yet, when Hongbin pulled his T-shirt upwards, he didn't think about the way he looked, just let Hongbin take the shirt off him, because the way he stared at Hakyeon's stomach afterwards made Hakyeon's heart want to burst out of his ribcage.

Hakyeon rid Hongbin of his sweater immediately, wanted to feel his heat directly, wanted to see his abs twitch as he dragged his hand over them, his other hand pulling lightly at his hair. Hongbin looked like an angel.

Hongbin kissed him again, but only briefly, pressing his lips to the skin of Hakyeon's shoulder afterwards, softly biting a trail up on his neck, making Hakyeon dig his nails into his stomach just a little bit.

He had no idea where they were going with all of this, but when Hongbin sucked a hickey on the side of his neck and rolled his hips, Hakyeon moaned, scraping Hongbin's scalp, his jeans feeling awfully tight.

There was a faint sound of a gasp leaving Hongbin's throat when Hakyeon dragged his nails over his back, felt the milky skin give in under them, and Hongbin rolled his hips again, kissing Hakyeon's jaw and then his lips, repeating the motion over and over again until Hakyeon was whimpering into his mouth.

"Hongbin," he breathed, throwing his head back and shutting his eyes. Hongbin took the chance to mouth on his throat. "I can't— I can't do this. Seriously."

Hongbin straightened in his lap and Hakyeon glanced at him, at his red lips and gorgeously blown, glinting eyes, and the realization that he was the one who did all that hit him so hard he got more light-headed from that than from the alcohol.

"Too much?" Hongbin asked, and shit, even his voice was unbearably hot.

"Yeah," Hakyeon nodded. "Too much. But... in a good way. If— you don't mind."

Hongbin laughed, the sound raspy.

"Are you asking for permission to come or?"

"You talk too much," Hakyeon grumbled, the blush adding to the warmth in his cheeks.

"Shut me up," Hongbin said and grinned, probably cringing, because Hakyeon sure was.

He kissed Hongbin again, fingers digging into his thighs, the flesh dipping under his fingertips as Hongbin moved, swallowing all of Hakyeon's noises.

It only took Hongbin a few moments more to start panting down on Hakyeon's neck, his entire body shaking. His skin was damp and Hakyeon wanted to touch him everywhere he could reach, but he had no idea how far he could go, so he settled with hooking a finger into the waistband of his trousers while Hongbin rutted down, becoming louder.

Hakyeon kissed the tender skin behind his ear, unsuccessfully trying to muffle his own groans, and when Hongbin came with a broken cry, he couldn't hold himself back anymore either.

Hongbin rested his forehead on Hakyeon's shoulder, chest heaving as Hakyeon caressed his hair, holding him close and pressing small kisses to his locks.

"Can we, like, not talk about all of this right now?" Hongbin asked softly. "I'm not drunk enough."

"Yeah, okay," Hakyeon said.

Hongbin lifted his head, a bead of sweat running down from his temple to his jaw. He pecked Hakyeon's lips lightly, climbing off him and sitting back on the bed, leaning against the wall, looking up at the ceiling.

"Fuck," he said and started laughing in a happy and boisterous way that made Hakyeon grin, his own laughter bubbling up from his chest, heart going all sorts of crazy.

He found Hongbin's left hand on the mattress and laced their fingers together, careful out of habit not to hurt Hongbin's knuckles that weren’t even injured anymore.

"Are we going to sleep like this?" he asked when even the aftershocks of the giggling fit had died down.

"I definitely am," Hongbin replied, sliding down on the mattress, snuggling into the pillow. "What you do is your business."

"I'm—" Hakyeon took a deep breath, feeling embarrassed. "My clothes are dirty."

"Neat freak," Hongbin mumbled, closing his eyes and giving a little squeeze to Hakyeon's hand.

"No, I mean," Hakyeon frowned, "I mean I just came all over my favourite jeans!"

"Too much information."

"You were literally the one who—" Hakyeon cut himself off. "Damn it."

He saw Hongbin raise his eyebrows with his eyes still closed, but didn't say anything more, only scooted down on the bed to lie next to him, staring at his face.

Hongbin was an angel.


	9. IX

Hakyeon woke with a splitting headache and a mouth so dry it hurt to move his tongue. As he rolled onto his back, his trousers felt weird and hardened at the crotch, making him realize what the fuck he had done with Hongbin the night before.

Hakyeon carefully opened his eyes, looking for Hongbin in the bed, but he was nowhere to be found. His backpack wasn’t on the table under the window either, and his side of the bed was made neatly. Hakyeon figured that was somewhat better than having to face him after everything that had happened, but he didn't like where this whole thing was going with Hongbin disappearing by morning like a stranger Hakyeon only picked up for a one-night-stand.

He gathered his fresh clothes from his backpack and stumbled out of the guestroom, aiming for the shower.

Jaehwan and Wonshik were sleeping on the couch in probably the most uncomfortable position with Jaehwan tucked under Wonshik's arm, Wonshik snoring loudly. Both of them were only wearing their boxer briefs, and as Hakyeon quickly crossed the living room, he shuddered from the thought that those two might have done the same as he and Hongbin had. Or even more than just some lame dry-humping.

Had they been holding a fucking orgy or what.

Hakyeon scrubbed all the dirt off himself and his clothes, shoving them into his backpack while still wet, leaving the house as quietly as he could.

He had sort of been hoping Hongbin would be sleeping in his bed when he got home, even though he knew Hongbin wouldn't just go to Hakyeon's house and ask to be let in, especially not when they were supposed to sleep at Jaehwan's place together.

With his dad at work and his mum still sleeping, Hakyeon got himself something to eat before anything else, his stomach rumbling loudly. He tried to believe he wasn't just trying to put off talking to Hongbin, but when he was already holding his phone to his ear, part of him wished Hongbin wouldn't pick up.

"Hey," Hongbin said, his deep voice raspy, and when Hakyeon remembered the way he had sounded the night before, his breath hitched in the back of his throat, heart fluttering like a caged bird, and his brain short-circuited.

"Hey," Hakyeon greeted back shakily. "Where did you go?"

"Home," Hongbin replied. "I figured it would be less awkward like that."

"I'm not sure if it is," Hakyeon mumbled.

"Awkward?"

" _Less_ awkward."

"Ah," Hongbin laughed softly. "Sorry."

"Mm," Hakyeon muttered. "Are you coming over today?"

"Hyung," Hongbin sighed. "I don't think that's a good idea. We should— we should spend some time without... each other. I think. Until spring break is over, at least."

Hakyeon's heart skipped a beat. This wasn’t what he had prepared for; he anticipated a very embarrassing talk with lots of apologies and maybe some laughter, but Hongbin not wanting to even just see him was something he didn’t expect. It hurt.

“Okay,” Hakyeon said, though he found the whole thing anything but okay. “Just… just don’t hate me, okay?”

“What?” Hongbin asked. “I don’t hate you. Why would I hate you?”

“I don’t know,” Hakyeon shrugged, though Hongbin obviously couldn’t see that. “I don’t want us to feel weird around each other because of what happened.”

There was some silence on the other end of the line for a few moments. It was suffocating, to say the least, the pressure in his throat slowly crawling up behind Hakyeon's eyes.

“You’re my best friend, Hakyeon,” Hongbin said finally. “I wouldn’t want to lose you.”

 

 

Hakyeon didn’t feel too happy about having to spend so many nights alone; Hongbin's absence from his bed made him feel lonely, his room felt too big and empty without him. It wasn’t just the fact that Hongbin didn’t want to meet him, because if he thought about the thing rationally, he did see the logic behind Hongbin wanting to run away from the problem they had to solve, but there was also a lingering feeling of longing, of wanting to hold Hongbin's hand and play with his hair—things Hakyeon hadn’t done often even when Hongbin had been around. It was scary to have those thoughts all right, but the scariest of all was the memory of that night at Jaehwan's, especially since it kept repeating itself on loop in Hakyeon's mind, earning him embarrassing boners and a painful ache in his chest not even Hongbin's group chat contributions managed to soothe.

Jaehwan and Wonshik were baffled when they met up with Hakyeon at the mall for a well-deserved meal of cheeseburgers, fries and cola, Hongbin nowhere to be found.

“What’s up with Hongbin?” Jaehwan asked, sipping his drink. “You guys are always attached at the hip.”

“He couldn’t come,” Hakyeon replied, examining his fries.

“Obviously,” Jaehwan said, and Hakyeon was sure he rolled his eyes. “But, I mean, did something happen?”

“We’re not actual conjoined twins, okay.”

“It did seem like that, though,” Wonshik commented.

“Do you guys really want to talk about who’s attached to whom?” Hakyeon spat, looking up from his burger. “Because the last time I saw you two, you were sleeping in each other’s arms half-naked.”

“Wow, what the fuck,” Jaehwan mumbled, entire face turning red. Wonshik looked the same.

“Sorry,” Hakyeon grumbled.

They finished their meal in silence.

 

 

Hakyeon had had no idea what to expect when Hongbin finally called him to meet at the playground somewhat halfway between their houses, but he tried to prepare as best he could.

He felt foolish showering for almost half an hour and putting on his best outfit, sprinkling perfume behind his ears and trying to tame his hair—it felt too much like getting ready for a date, even though Hongbin's voice was anything but cheerful on the phone. The constant feeling of confusion mixed with worry that had seemed to have seeped into every single one of Hakyeon's cells was still there, but there was a newfound excitement trying to balance that out unsuccessfully, making Hakyeon bite his nails like a schoolgirl before prom night.

Hongbin was already sitting in the grass, just out of the lamplight when Hakyeon arrived. When he noticed his best friend, he smiled weakly—not at all as happily as he usually did around Hakyeon.

“I can’t believe you’re on time for once,” Hakyeon said, sitting down next to Hongbin.

“And you’re late,” Hongbin grinned.

Hakyeon glanced down at Hongbin's fingers fiddling with a leaf, and felt like someone punched him in the stomach.

“Your hand,” he whispered, taking Hongbin's left hand, thumb brushing over the side of the fresh white bandage. “Hongbin-ah—”

“It’s nothing,” Hongbin said, trying to pull his hand away, but Hakyeon only held it stronger.

“Don’t say it’s nothing when I know you did it because you’re upset about something!” Hakyeon all but yelled. “What is it, Hongbin?”

“You, it’s— it’s you. Hakyeon.”

Hakyeon's grip weakened on his fingers and Hongbin finally pulled them back, looking away from Hakyeon's face. He was trembling.

“What?” Hakyeon blurted out. “What did I do wrong? I haven’t even seen you for the last week.”

“I know,” Hongbin nodded. “I’m just saying… It’s because of what happened. At Jaehwan's.”

Hakyeon felt the blood rush into his cheeks, his heart going all sorts of crazy. Hongbin was fidgeting next to him, seemingly feeling awkward talking about the whole thing, but Hakyeon was not going to let it go. He needed to know what Hongbin thought about the— incident in order to be able to sort out his own feelings.

“I thought you liked it,” Hakyeon mumbled, tearing out a blade of grass from the earth.

“It’s not the… act, itself,” Hongbin said, sighing. “And it’s not the fact that it was you, but, we shouldn’t have done that, because on the one hand, you’re my best friend and I don’t want to fuck that up—”

“It’s not fucked up on my part,” Hakyeon replied, though he wasn’t sure if he actually meant that. Something had definitely changed inside him; he had just yet to figure out exactly what.

“It is, on mine.” Hongbin looked up at Hakyeon. “Not irreparably, probably, but I can’t stop thinking about it when I think of you and that’s not how friendships work.”

‘Let’s take a step forward, then,’ was what Hakyeon was just about to say, but he thankfully caught himself before opening his mouth. That thought was not something he should have uttered—he shouldn’t even have had it, really, but he was slowly coming to terms with the fact that he was going nuts.

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Hakyeon said instead.

“I mean that I don’t… I don’t feel comfortable around you,” Hongbin replied, and when he noticed Hakyeon flinch, he quickly amended, “No, that’s not it, ugh. I mean, I don’t know how you feel about the thing and that’s slowly eating me up inside.”

Hakyeon laughed bitterly. “I don’t know how I should feel about it,” he said. “You were the first—and so far the only one—who I did those things with. I’m mostly just… confused.”

“So you— don’t have, um, feelings?” Hongbin asked, pinching the skin of his left wrist anxiously.

Hakyeon reached over, sliding his fingers under Hongbin's palm to lace them with his, stopping Hongbin from harming himself. He was not sure if this was right, if, at this point, he was allowed to be gentle with Hongbin or if that would just make a bigger mess. He wanted to do it. He wanted to hold Hongbin's hand.

“I don’t.”

Whether that was a lie or not, neither of them could possibly know.


	10. X

While stating that everything went back to normal after spring break was over and they went back to school would be quite an exaggeration, most things had definitely clicked back into place.

Jaehwan and Wonshik didn’t seem to be awkward around each other and Wonshik stopped rubbing himself against Jaehwan like a cat claiming his property. Hakyeon had no idea what might have caused this kind of change in Wonshik's behaviour (Hongbin half-joked about Jaehwan possibly being bad in bed), but it was nice to see he was not being bitter over Jaehwan, even if they didn’t seem to have much more than friendship between them again.

Hakyeon was proved wrong about Jaehwan and Wonshik on a Tuesday, while visiting the bathroom during their break. Before he would have opened the door to the men’s room, he caught a glimpse of Wonshik sneaking into the disabled toilet that was placed next to the boys’, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Wonshik?” Hakyeon asked, standing between the two doors, baffled.

He wouldn’t have been surprised if Wonshik simply forgot which door to go through—he tended to be careless like that—, so Hakyeon stepped to the disabled toilet and opened the door.

“Oh my God!” he cried, quickly drawing back and pulling the door closed again.

Jaehwan and Wonshik were making out in the most obscene way in the fucking middle of the bathroom, Jaehwan pressed up against the wall with his legs around Wonshik's waist and his hands in Wonshik's hair.

Hakyeon hurried away from the scene, walking back to the classroom in a fast pace, original plans of peeing almost forgotten as he kept pressing his hands on his face, but the image was already burnt into his mind.

“Oh my God, Hongbin, you won’t believe what I just—”

But Hongbin wasn’t paying attention to him. He was sitting on top of his desk with one of their classmates, Sanghyuk, sitting on Hakyeon's, facing Hongbin, smiling at him sweetly. Hongbin was smiling back, legs dangling down from the desk, chatting cheerfully in a way he never did unless with Hakyeon, Wonshik, or Jaehwan.

The bell rang and Sanghyuk reached out, dragging his hand down Hongbin's arm before he hopped off the desk, walking towards his own. Hakyeon watched him move on those long ass legs, the bright smile not leaving his face as he sat down, grinning back at Hongbin one last time before he turned towards the front of the classroom.

“Privacy, do you fucking know what that is, hyung?”

Hakyeon looked up at Jaehwan who seemed very upset as he passed him on his way to his desk, followed by Wonshik whose ears were bright red.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have sex in public,” Hakyeon grumbled, earning a glare from Jaehwan as he sat down next to Hongbin.

“What happened?” Hongbin asked quietly when the teacher entered.

“Nothing,” Hakyeon said, turning away from him.

From the corner of his eye, he saw how Hongbin's expression turned hurt at the curt reply.

Hakyeon didn’t care if he was offended or not.

 

 

The weather was nice enough to spend the remainder of their lunch break on the school yard in just their shirts, the sun shining warmly down at them.

Hakyeon was lying on a bench with Wonshik sitting above him on the headrest, feet resting on the seat between Hakyeon's legs.

"Wonshik-ah?" Hakyeon asked, eyes closed.

"Hm?"

"Do you remember when you told me you loved Jaehwan?"

There was silence then, long enough that Hakyeon looked up to see whether Wonshik was going to answer him or not. Wonshik did that thing he always did before telling a white lie: he organised his features into a soft smile, and glanced down at his clasped hands.

"I was wrong about that," he said. "It's just a crush, nothing more."

"We've been friends for twelve years, you dummy," Hakyeon sighed, sitting up on the bench. He flicked his fringe out of his eyes with a quick move of his head. "I know when you're not saying the truth."

Wonshik's smile melted off, giving room to a different, broken expression, the pain shining through his sleepy eyes.

"He said he didn't want to be in a relationship," Wonshik said, swallowing thickly.

"Did you ask him out?"

"No, no, I couldn't do it," Wonshik shook his head. "Too much to lose, you know. But after... well, after that sleepover, he said everything was nice and that he'd like to do it again, if I was okay with it. No feelings involved—that was his only condition. I said okay."

"So, you're fuck buddies now."

"Kind of. But that doesn't stop him from telling me when he finds someone hot, which… isn’t very nice."

Wonshik laughed, but it rang hollow; there was no happiness in it.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" Hakyeon asked, his heart breaking from the sight of Wonshik falling apart even just from the thought of Jaehwan checking out others. "I don't think it’s healthy for you."

"Honestly, Hakyeon," Wonshik snorted. "For someone who reads stupid romance novels all the time, you're really fucking clueless about this whole thing."

"Enlighten me, then," Hakyeon grumbled, somewhat offended.

"Listen, even if he doesn't want to be with me... Even if he doesn't want to date me, at least, I get to be close to him in a way. Better than nothing." Wonshik looked up, into the direction Hongbin and Jaehwan were coming from, stepping out of the school building with four bottles of cold mineral water in their hands, both of them laughing boisterously at something. A genuinely fond smile spread over Wonshik's lips as he watched Jaehwan talk animatedly to Hongbin. "So much better," he said.

Hakyeon understood every single one of his words in that moment.

 

 

“Do you think they would last?” Hongbin asked into the darkness that night, miraculously sensing that Hakyeon wasn’t sleeping. Hakyeon rolled onto his side to face him, even if most of what he could see of Hongbin was the way his eyes glinted in the light of a street lamp seeping into the bedroom through the blackout curtains. “Wonshik and Jaehwan,” Hongbin whispered. “I mean, if they started dating for real.”

“Wonshik would do anything to make them last,” Hakyeon replied. “But Jaehwan would have to grow up emotionally.”

Hongbin hummed, playing with a loose thread of his pillow. There were shadows on his knuckles in the dark; Hakyeon knew they were bruises fading from green into yellow. He wished there were none, but even this way— knowing Hongbin was healing was something that eased Hakyeon's mind.

“I’ve seen you hanging out with Sanghyuk lately,” Hakyeon said, willing his voice to sound nonchalant.

“Yeah,” Hongbin replied, looking up into Hakyeon's eyes. “He’s a good guy.”

“I’m sure.” Sarcasm. “I think he likes you.”

“Yes, I think so, too.”

Hakyeon sucked in a breath sharply, anger boiling deep in his stomach. Something must have shown on his face (something similar to Wonshik's angry pout when he saw Jaehwan flirt with someone), because Hongbin didn’t wait for him to reply, only said, “He asked me out.”

“Hongbin-ah…” Hakyeon started, but had no idea where he was going with it.

If he had had the courage, he would have confessed immediately… but he wasn’t even sure what he was feeling. He didn’t want Hongbin to be touched by anybody else, didn’t want Sanghyuk or whoever to smile at him so sweetly, he didn’t want to watch from the side how someone who’s probably more important to him than his own life gets snatched away from him while he falls to pieces—he didn’t want to become Wonshik.

“I said no,” Hongbin said then, eyes roving over Hakyeon's face, taking in his surprise. Hakyeon's hope that Hongbin couldn’t see the relieved tears spilling from his eyes proved to be false: Hongbin reached out, his thumb brushing over the thin skin under Hakyeon's right eye, smearing the tear there. “You’re such an idiot, Hakyeon.”

“Why am I an idiot?” Hakyeon asked, brow furrowed on instinct, but his voice broke.

“Because you should’ve told me how you felt,” Hongbin said.

His shaky thumb hovered over Hakyeon's lower lip, gaze following it as he scooted closer on the mattress, nervous like always. Hakyeon's heart was beating erratically like it couldn’t decide whether it was okay to be happy just yet or it should have stayed bitter until Hongbin gave an even more explicit clue.

The clue came in the most pleasant form he could have asked for—Hongbin kissed him softly on the lips, hand resting on Hakyeon's cheek as he pressed up even closer to him until Hakyeon could hold him close enough to himself that it was hard to breathe. When Hongbin opened his mouth, Hakyeon pushed himself up on his elbows and knees, looking down at Hongbin as he caressed his hair.

Hongbin was an angel.

Hakyeon kissed him again, deeper now, but less roughly than the very first time at Jaehwan's place. He had had no idea back then how much it meant for him to be able to hold Hongbin close, to have his trembling hands on his back and to have his fingers trace down the line of his spine so gingerly, like Hongbin was afraid he could break his bones if he did it harder.

Hongbin pulled away slightly, making Hakyeon open his eyes again, and God, Hongbin was looking at him like he was a miracle, like out of the two of them, Hakyeon was the most beautiful thing on earth and not him. He cupped Hakyeon's cheeks, gazing into his eyes until Hakyeon was sure he’d get a heart-attack in a few moments.

“I love you,” Hongbin said quietly.

Hakyeon gasped audibly, his limbs shaking under him and threatening to give in. There was no way— it was all too good to be true, but still, Hongbin was there and he said those words and meant them, Hakyeon knew. If it was a dream, Hakyeon never wanted to wake up from it.

“I love you, too,” he replied, almost choking on the words before Hongbin pulled his face down and kissed him.

They kissed until the sun started coming up and Hongbin grew languid in Hakyeon's arms, completely melting into the embrace as he whispered ‘I love you’ onto Hakyeon's lips over and over again.

It wasn’t a dream; Hongbin loved him.

Hakyeon never wanted to let him go.


	11. XI - Epilogue

A teardrop falls onto the photograph, staining the grass on it, but Hakyeon makes no effort to wipe it off.

It’s no use, anyway; a picture won’t bring Hongbin back to him; not when he’s living happily with Sanghyuk, 400 miles away from their hometown.

Back then, at the age of 19, when he was still naïve and easily blinded by his emotions, Hakyeon thought he found love and it would last until he dies. He thought, by saying ‘I love you’, they sealed and secured their future together and they would never break up, like it was a spell.

How wrong was he to feel sorry for Wonshik and believe he wouldn’t become like him.

Now, with Wonshik and Jaehwan nearing their fourth anniversary, Hakyeon wishes nothing but a happy ending like theirs. He wants to become Wonshik.

Hakyeon crumples the photo, the bruised skin of his knuckles straining painfully. Hongbin said the pain helped him calm down.

It never helped Hakyeon.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to talk to me about any of my stories or just vixx in general on [tumblr](http://hongbab.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/hongbab) or [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1061753) ♡ please support me on [ko-fi.com](https://ko-fi.com/hongbab) if you can ♡


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